Awareness

Lately I keep hearing about awareness. It is so easy for me to run through my life just keeping up with obligations. I'm relieved at the end of the day that I got the kids everywhere they needed to be, everyone was fed and the basics for survival happened. What if I stop, however, and take a look around? What is going on around me? What is God doing around me? How much am I missing due to my hurried pace of life?

I feel as if there is something beautiful going on, if only I will take the time to pause, breathe in and listen. There is a daily practice called a "Daily Examen". At the end of the day, the invitation is to look back over your day and ask yourself a few questions. "When did I feel closest to God today?" "When did I feel the farthest from God today?" "When was I the most myself today?" "When was I the least myself today?" "What was my happiest moment?" "What was my least happy moment?" The idea is just to take a couple of the questions, sit before God and reflect on your day together. It allows you to learn a little bit about yourself, about you and God, and about how God might be moving and speaking in your life.

It really is a beautiful thing to take time to look over your day. In the rush of everyday life, it often feels like a day is not truly lived or does not have much meaning if it has not been given some thought to its purpose.

This is a practice I am trying to incorporate at least a couple of times per week. It is awakening me to God and His greater purposes for me.

Surrender

Each day I come to you, oh Lord. I have my list of what I ask from you. I know that You hear me. I have drawn this beautiful picture, don't you see? It is lovely, filled with happiness and joy. There is beauty found in my artwork, a true masterpiece. The page is full. Every need that could arise has an answer if only You will comply. Every fear has been replaced with solutions. All I need is for you to sign off on what I ask for Lord. You are the God who supplies my needs, right? You give me love, right?

What's that? You have a different picture in mind? Well, my page is full. I'm not sure that I have room for your plans. I think mine is just fine, don't you? Maybe you could bend your plans a bit so that I have no pain, no discomfort, no sadness, no longing? Here, Lord, please answer this. It is all spelled out. All you have to do is sign on the dotted line.

What's that you say? There is no room for Your plan when my page is all filled up? You want me to what? You want me to erase what I've drawn? But Lord, I've been planning my life for far too long. For as long as I can remember I've been filling up this page with how I want my life to look. I'm not sure that I know how…to…let…go….

I'm sorry. I just can't do it.

Ok, so I went away and now I'm back. I'm not getting anywhere. I can't hear you and I feel a little lost. I'm going to reach for the eraser now. Can you help me remove what I've so carefully planned and drawn? I'm not sure I can do that on my own. Thank you, Lord. It is getting easier, knowing that You are holding my hand and directing it. Yes, at long last, the page is blank. Completely blank. A feeling of panic is beginning to rise up, God. I can't see what's around the corner. I have nothing to hold onto. I cannot plan. I cannot control. It is a new and scary feeling. Hold onto you, You say? You are really the only thing not moving? You're not going anywhere? Really? Nowhere? Cause I kind of really, truly need that stability in my life. I don't find it anywhere else. I don't find it anywhere else.

OK, I'm giving you the pencil now. Oh, you want the pen, the beautiful scrolling one. You make beauty. You don't make mistakes. You don't need an eraser. You begin drawing Your Masterpiece. I'm learning to come to you with my blank page. I come to you and cry out for you to teach me how to pray. Yes, Lord, teach me how to pray. Show me what to ask for. Show me where to walk. This is new territory, a new style, becoming a habit. I'm bringing every thing to you, every possession, every person, every blessing, each provision. I'm holding them loosely, knowing now at long last, that they are a gift from You, promised only for this moment and none beyond. You, yes You, are the only One who does not move. You are with me forever.

Dates with Jesus

This Christmas season was one that has been busier than those in the past due to my kids' activities.

At about the same time that I felt like I was barely making it through, I also began feeling a gentle nudge. "Spend time with me. Set apart some time as holy, seeking My face." How could I deny that invitation? It was (is!) the Christmas season after all. At a friend's encouragement, I chose a set time as my "date with Jesus".

I'm someone who hesitates to fill up my calendar or plan things too far ahead. I like to see how I'm feeling each day and tackle what is calling to me the most loudly. It is the squeaky wheel syndrome. This time, however, I realized the eternal value in this appointment. I said "Yes", picked a weekly time and even put it on my calendar. I had it repeat the event each week with no ending date. Oh boy, it's official!

So after figuring out the time, committing to it and putting it on my calendar, I had to pick the place. This really was the easy part. Our church has some beautiful counseling rooms and a prayer room that are ideal for being quiet, and being alone. Ok, so I'm with Jesus, so technically I'm not alone, but you know what I mean.

The first time I had my date with Jesus, I wasn't sure what to expect. What would I do? Would the hour drag? What if I have nothing to say? What if I don't hear Him speaking to me? Once I closed the door and prayed about this time, this blank canvas before me, I felt almost giddy. There was such freedom in having no agenda or to-do list. I got down on my knees before the cross hanging on the wall. I felt like it was just time for me to be me, no pretense, no expectations.

I began by laying my heart before God, confessing anything that came to mind that wasn't pleasing to God, and praying to be freed of those things I don't even see but that are keeping me at a distance from Him. It felt right. It felt freeing. Instead of feeling judged, I felt His gentle love all around me, encouraging me to let go and trust Him.I've only had two of these dates so far, but I'm looking forward to many more. I've realized that if I can't make time for my Savior, the one I plan on praising through all eternity, then something is off balance in my life.

I want to want to spend time with Him. I want to open my ears and give Him a chance to speak to me. Even when I don't really want all this, I pray and ask Him to give me this desire. Getting outside of my house has been key for me. I need to go to a place where there aren't piles of laundry calling to me or meals waiting to be cooked.

He truly loves me...yes, He does. Wholly, completely, just as I am.