Surrender

Each day I come to you, oh Lord. I have my list of what I ask from you. I know that You hear me. I have drawn this beautiful picture, don't you see? It is lovely, filled with happiness and joy. There is beauty found in my artwork, a true masterpiece. The page is full. Every need that could arise has an answer if only You will comply. Every fear has been replaced with solutions. All I need is for you to sign off on what I ask for Lord. You are the God who supplies my needs, right? You give me love, right?

What's that? You have a different picture in mind? Well, my page is full. I'm not sure that I have room for your plans. I think mine is just fine, don't you? Maybe you could bend your plans a bit so that I have no pain, no discomfort, no sadness, no longing? Here, Lord, please answer this. It is all spelled out. All you have to do is sign on the dotted line.

What's that you say? There is no room for Your plan when my page is all filled up? You want me to what? You want me to erase what I've drawn? But Lord, I've been planning my life for far too long. For as long as I can remember I've been filling up this page with how I want my life to look. I'm not sure that I know how…to…let…go….

I'm sorry. I just can't do it.

Ok, so I went away and now I'm back. I'm not getting anywhere. I can't hear you and I feel a little lost. I'm going to reach for the eraser now. Can you help me remove what I've so carefully planned and drawn? I'm not sure I can do that on my own. Thank you, Lord. It is getting easier, knowing that You are holding my hand and directing it. Yes, at long last, the page is blank. Completely blank. A feeling of panic is beginning to rise up, God. I can't see what's around the corner. I have nothing to hold onto. I cannot plan. I cannot control. It is a new and scary feeling. Hold onto you, You say? You are really the only thing not moving? You're not going anywhere? Really? Nowhere? Cause I kind of really, truly need that stability in my life. I don't find it anywhere else. I don't find it anywhere else.

OK, I'm giving you the pencil now. Oh, you want the pen, the beautiful scrolling one. You make beauty. You don't make mistakes. You don't need an eraser. You begin drawing Your Masterpiece. I'm learning to come to you with my blank page. I come to you and cry out for you to teach me how to pray. Yes, Lord, teach me how to pray. Show me what to ask for. Show me where to walk. This is new territory, a new style, becoming a habit. I'm bringing every thing to you, every possession, every person, every blessing, each provision. I'm holding them loosely, knowing now at long last, that they are a gift from You, promised only for this moment and none beyond. You, yes You, are the only One who does not move. You are with me forever.

Dates with Jesus

This Christmas season was one that has been busier than those in the past due to my kids' activities.

At about the same time that I felt like I was barely making it through, I also began feeling a gentle nudge. "Spend time with me. Set apart some time as holy, seeking My face." How could I deny that invitation? It was (is!) the Christmas season after all. At a friend's encouragement, I chose a set time as my "date with Jesus".

I'm someone who hesitates to fill up my calendar or plan things too far ahead. I like to see how I'm feeling each day and tackle what is calling to me the most loudly. It is the squeaky wheel syndrome. This time, however, I realized the eternal value in this appointment. I said "Yes", picked a weekly time and even put it on my calendar. I had it repeat the event each week with no ending date. Oh boy, it's official!

So after figuring out the time, committing to it and putting it on my calendar, I had to pick the place. This really was the easy part. Our church has some beautiful counseling rooms and a prayer room that are ideal for being quiet, and being alone. Ok, so I'm with Jesus, so technically I'm not alone, but you know what I mean.

The first time I had my date with Jesus, I wasn't sure what to expect. What would I do? Would the hour drag? What if I have nothing to say? What if I don't hear Him speaking to me? Once I closed the door and prayed about this time, this blank canvas before me, I felt almost giddy. There was such freedom in having no agenda or to-do list. I got down on my knees before the cross hanging on the wall. I felt like it was just time for me to be me, no pretense, no expectations.

I began by laying my heart before God, confessing anything that came to mind that wasn't pleasing to God, and praying to be freed of those things I don't even see but that are keeping me at a distance from Him. It felt right. It felt freeing. Instead of feeling judged, I felt His gentle love all around me, encouraging me to let go and trust Him.I've only had two of these dates so far, but I'm looking forward to many more. I've realized that if I can't make time for my Savior, the one I plan on praising through all eternity, then something is off balance in my life.

I want to want to spend time with Him. I want to open my ears and give Him a chance to speak to me. Even when I don't really want all this, I pray and ask Him to give me this desire. Getting outside of my house has been key for me. I need to go to a place where there aren't piles of laundry calling to me or meals waiting to be cooked.

He truly loves me...yes, He does. Wholly, completely, just as I am.

Fear and Peace

There is talk everywhere right now about the Ebola virus. The more we hear, the scarier it gets. I could spend many hours reading articles and watching news stories. While it is good to be informed at a basic level, there is danger in spending too much time with this information. Fear can grow like a big, dark, ominous cloud, threatening to choke us if we let it. While there is much in this world that we cannot control, and that fact has not changed in the history of mankind, we can control what we allow to enter our minds, and therefore our hearts.

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

It sounds like we have some control over what we allow to shape and influence us.

Paul, in Philippians 4:8 commands us to choose what we think on. He says, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things…And the God of peace will be with you."

OK, so a simple prescription for peace is found in that verse. Who doesn't want more peace in their life? This passage really challenges me to stop and take stock of whether what I am spending my time on fits the criteria listed. What am I thinking about? Is it excellent or praiseworthy? If not, I would be wise to turn my attention elsewhere.

In 1 Thessalonians 5:16, it says, "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

God, our Father, loves us. He does not desire for us to walk through life stressed and panicked about circumstances we hear about. He knows what is required for us to have peace. The verse from 1 Thessalonians is really a prescription for us from a God who knows where true peace will come from. His will for us is to be close to Him. His will for us is to keep our eyes on Him. He loves us that much that He longs for us to rest in Him.

From a worldly perspective, none of this makes sense. It is so easy to think worse-case scenario. We are created with an imagination that can be a source of great pleasure when used positively. Unfortunately, we can also allow that imagination to take us down the road of "what-ifs". Fear thrives here and the enemy is thrilled that we are taking our eyes off of God. Fortunately, we have a choice. We can cry out to God and ask Him to help us. He loves to answer that prayer. He is waiting for us to cry out to Him. He will give us Himself, His presence, His peace. It is possible in the midst of the chaos and the unknown. His peace is beyond all comprehension, but trust me…it is very real and very available to you and to me.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Independence Day

Freedom, what a fabulous word. Even in the midst of struggle, we can find freedom. Even in the midst of uncertainty, we can be free.

For me, oftentimes that thing that has held me captive has been fear. What if something happens to my husband, my parents, my children, to me? I like to think on some level that by imagining how things will play out and trying to come up with emergency plans, it gives me some sense of control over the situation. This is so untrue. Ultimately, I have no control over these things. Freedom for me comes when I remember to keep my eyes on Jesus and worship. I love a worship song I grew up with. It's called "Turn your eyes upon Jesus."

The words are simply,

Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

One of the key words there is "full". It is easy to just say words and not really let them sink in. How many times have I sung lyrics without really paying attention to what they are saying? When I fully turn my mind and heart on singing praise to the Creator, the One who saved me and continues to save me from myself, then and only then do I find that freedom where I feel His peace. The more time I spend there, the deeper the sense of peace. The things of this world do turn strangely dim. The struggles and concerns I have let dominate my thoughts and actions fade.

This is my prayer every day: Lord, give me Your eyes, Your heart, Your perspective. Show me what You want me to see. Show me what You want me to do. Give me eyes to see You more clearly, and a heart that longs to be where You are, above all else.

Oh yeah, gotta love when God gives additions the day after writing!

Here is a song by Jesus Culture, called Freedom Reigns. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIaM08ANeAg

And here is a verse that talks about fear:

Psalm 56:3-4

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you
In God, whose word I praise
in God I trust and am not afraid
What can mere mortals do to me?



(Photo credit:Josiah Truitt)

Health Journey Part 1

Many of you know that I have been on a health journey for the last number of years. I thought I would begin telling my story. So today is Part 1 of that journey.

There I stood in the lobby of the chiropractor's office. The young woman at the front dest had just informed me that their office did not accept my insurance. I believe she continued to speak, but I could not hear her past the tears that were flowing down my cheeks, unbidden, and the embarrassment that was burning my face. "Wow," I thought, "I cannot believe that I'm crying, right here in front of this girl, right here in the lobby of the chiropractor's office." That was just evidence of the desperate place I was operating out of.

It had been five years since my second child was born. My health had been deteriorating ever since and I had hoped that this chiropractor, with a nutritionist on site, could help me find some relief. I'd been to many doctors, and been on and off of medications. I'd had all of the tests done. I had looked into natural remedies and tried many items from our local health food store that promised to make me feel better. Up until that point, nothing had worked. I thought this place, at long last, was my answer. I even felt like God had led me there. "God, why? Lord, what now? Please, Lord. I need Your help."

A couple of weeks later, a friend at church handed me the business card of a chiropractor her mom had found great success with. No surprise to God, they used the very same nutritional supplements that the first chiropractor offered. I became a patient and there began my first step toward greater health and freedom. If anything, I have learned that finding greater health is a journey. It involves trial and error, being willing to ask questions and learn from others' experiences, and lots and lots of prayer.

Desperation stinks, but desperation is often the catalyst to bring about change. The song, "Never Once" by Matt Redman is my favorite reminder of God's hand in this process, and in all areas of my life. It says, "Never once did we ever walk alone." Never once! Not even for a moment. How good, how sweet, how true, how comforting. I need that reminder daily. Are you going through a hard time? Are you wondering where to turn or where the answer lies? I pray that you'll be comforted by the truth that you are never alone. Look up. He wants to help you.

Until Part 2….

Breathe

Today the sun is shining and the birds are singing. I marvel at the beauty of it and of how it fills my soul. I treasure the warmth of the sun. I treasure it even moreso because I do not experience this every day. There is no promise of a beautiful tomorrow, so I will treasure today…this moment.

I breathe deeply. I stop and look around. I notice. I wonder. I open myself up to the possibility that there is more, so much gloriously more available. There is so much more going on around me than my eyes tend to see. I take a moment to listen for a whisper that is not my own.

I make my heart available…to hear, to believe, to receive. I breathe in. I breathe out. I wait for the whisper. I expect more. There is so much more.

M

I watched my friend get into her vehicle this morning. Many feelings went through my head and heart. The rain is falling. My friend's parents are with her. I am out walking my dog. These parents are getting into the car to go to another chemotherapy treatment for their daughter's brain cancer. I am walking my dog. The rain is falling. Day in, day out, I walk my dog. Some days the rain falls. And my friends' parents get in a car with her to go to a chemotherapy treatment. This is a normal day. This is not a normal day. There are mundane tasks going on…repetitive ones. There are immensely difficult tasks being put into place. If I were the parent, I'd be tempted to put my child on a plane to some tropical island and pretend nothing was wrong. On some level, however, I'd know that we'd be missing some very important part of a plan that has been put into place by doctors to help my child fight a nasty disease. (Please, God, why? Why do I have to face this? Please take this away. Lord, I CAN'T DO THIS!! I truly cannot do this. I do not have the strength.) I walk my dog and feel as if I should not be having a "normal" day when my friends are not having a normal day. I feel helpless, until I remember that I have been and will continue to storm heaven on her behalf. There are no promises or guarantees of healing, but yet God tells us to bring the sick to him, and anoint them with oil. He tells us to have faith, to believe. He says it is not "if" he can heal. He says that He can heal. (God, I come to you as a little child because you instruct me to. I cry out for healing because you tell me to. I've seen you heal miraculously. You are the SAME GOD who healed yesterday. You've even healed my father, my son, me, others I know. You are the GREAT PHYSICIAN. You love my friend more than I can comprehend. You love her even more than her parents do! You have her, even in this. You have her.)

When my first baby was born and in intensive care for 3 months, I remember visiting him and not being able to touch him. I had to sit and look in on him from a safe distance, not stimulating him for fear he would lose weight. After all, how much weight can a 1 lb. 12 oz. baby lose and still continue to exist as a living human being? I wanted to fix him and couldn't. People all over the United States were praying for his life. Slowly, with many ups and downs along the way, he improved and healed. During his hospital stay, I remember leaving the hospital and walking outside to "real life" again. I remember looking around and being amazed that normal life was still occurring. How was that even possible? I was sure that the world had completely stopped. How could parents be laughing with children? Didn't they know my baby was inside the hospital fighting for his life? How could a parent have a baby "in their possession"? It truly was not fair. I envied those who could hold and cuddle their child, offering love and warmth to them as they grew. I was secretly angry that life was continuing for others while mine felt like it had come to a crazy standstill. I wondered when the waiting would end.

As I see others struggling, I wonder how often they have moments of looking out the window at the lady walking her dog or at the parents with children in their stroller and wonder how normal life can still go on. I wonder how often they just long to be the one doing the mundane, walking their dog, day in and day out. There is much here in this life that I do not understand. There is much that breaks my heart and even sickens me. When I stay here and keep my eyes on these things--the hardships, the uncertainties, the seemingly impossible situations, the downright horrendous scenarios in the world--I begin to doubt. I begin to see with glasses that have been tainted by the film of dirt the world can leave behind. When I'm just about to give up, and when my vision is all but blinded, the still small voice inside reminds me that this world is not all there is. This world is not all there is. This world is NOT all there is! This is a fallen world. The scriptures make it as plain as can be. Jesus says, "In this world, YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE." Wow! But that is not all. He goes on to say, "But take heart! I have overcome the world." YES! It is not easy, but I lay down my ideas of what healing looks like. I lay down my pleas of desperation and attempts to make outcomes all that I long for them to be, and I lean on the strong and unshakeable shoulders of a God who is so much bigger than I can comprehend. My inability to see the outcomes does not change his sovereignty. If I could see the end and control it, why would I need God? I will not bring him to my level and doubt his existence because I do not understand all of His ways. One day, heaven will be restored on earth and all pain and sorrow will pass away. Until that day, I lean my head on His enormous shoulder, and I ask Him how I should pray. I still cry out for healing. I still pray for the miraculous. And I lean on His shoulder, take His hand and look into His eyes. My heart begins to change. My fear turns to peace and rest. My perspective turns heavenward. Peace is restored. Peace is available. Yes, Lord…all the time, You are good. There is still much I do not understand. There are still so many things beyond my control. I, however, am changed in the midst of it all. My prayer becomes, "Lord, please take my hand and help me hobble through, tiny step, by tiny step. Better yet, let me stand on your feet like a small child dancing with her father throughout a magnificent ballroom. Take the full weight of my burdens as I lean my body fully against Yours. I cannot stand on my own. Keep me upright, Lord. Send your angels, Lord. Show us Your power and glory. Walk among us. Give us your strength, because we do not have enough on our own to make it through. Amen.