Dwell

Today I'm taking stock of my life. I'm 45 years old. My husband is a Children's Pastor at an area church. We've been married for 23 years! We have two sons, ages 18 and 15. I blinked once, maybe twice. I'm really not sure how all of this happened. And I'm very unsure about what comes next. I'm so happy and relieved, actually, to have a God who sees around the bend when I cannot. He most certainly leads the way. I guess it's not so bad to not be a planner. It makes it slightly easier to surrender and to seek out God's plan and allow Him to take the lead. Truly, more than anything, I just want to dwell with Him. I long to be in His presence. It is my drug, my high, my thrill. After being in the Presence of the Almighty God, nothing else satisfies me. I love the peace He gives. I love how He takes all of my worries, uncertainties and fears and changes the filter on my lens. Suddenly, my cares change and I feel at rest with Him, no longer needing to look around. I stop trying to meet my needs myself. I cease striving. It is only when I worship Him and look fully at Him that this happens. It takes time. It requires quiet and a lack of interruption. Time here is better spent than time anywhere else. Time here matters and is actually time spent. I wonder how many minutes or hours of my life actually count in the grand scheme of things. Much of it has been wasted as I look elsewhere. "Store up treasures in heaven, where moth and rust cannot destroy, and where thieves cannot break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be." Lord, turn my heart toward heaven today.

The school year has begun!

Welcome to Fall! OK, so it is not technically fall yet. However, our school year began on August 22 this year, so in that regard, our summer has come to an end. This year I have a high school freshman and a high school SENIOR! Wow! I'm not sure how that is even possible, but I'm holding on, because ready or not, here we go.

Here are a couple of things I have been learning and realizing lately:

1. There are quite a few hats I've been trying to wear lately. In the span of this current week, I have or will be wearing the hats of pet sitter, diet counselor, buyer, face painter and balloon twister. That does not include my volunteer roles. The more I am adding to my life and schedule, the more worn I am feeling. Everything feels as if I am giving it some energy, but not my best.

2. My oldest son is in the home stretch of high school! If he has about 12 weeks off during the summer, that means his school year is about 40 weeks long. We are almost finished with week 3. One of my goals is to chronicle his last year in my writing. I want him to be able to look back and see what life was like for him when he was a senior in high school. I want to write some of the stories that he may forget at some point. Also, I want to squeeze every bit of intentionality and purpose that we can out of this year.

3. Since having children, I have been putting myself aside and trying to survive. Someone needs fed so I feed them. Someone needs to go to an appointment or has an activity and needs to get there so I take them. There are needs in ministry at church so I step in. They may or may not be where I am most gifted (or at all gifted :) These are kind of basic and necessary tasks in life that I have been stepping into. I am so deeply and amazingly thankful for the years I have had raising my kids thus far. I'm also grateful for the opportunity to partner with Dave, my husband, in ministering to kids at church. In doing, doing, doing, somewhere along the way I began losing the awareness of what I like to do, was created to do, feel God is calling me to do and therefore want to do. I forget to act on having a choice in life. I forget to quiet myself and get before God and ask what He wants me to do. So I am currently attempting to find my voice again. One of the ways God allows me to process life is through writing. I've been downplaying the importance of writing in my life. I'm becoming more and more aware, however, that life has deeper meaning for me when I write about it. I view the purpose in it, I hear the lessons God may be wanting me to hear, I squeeze the treasure out of each day when I process it this way. I'm planning to add another hat to the list above...that of a writer. This hat I am choosing. I'm excited to see where it will lead. I hope to bring glory to God and to bring some smiles to my kids' faces, either now or in the future.

Let's Do This!

Awareness

Lately I keep hearing about awareness. It is so easy for me to run through my life just keeping up with obligations. I'm relieved at the end of the day that I got the kids everywhere they needed to be, everyone was fed and the basics for survival happened. What if I stop, however, and take a look around? What is going on around me? What is God doing around me? How much am I missing due to my hurried pace of life?

I feel as if there is something beautiful going on, if only I will take the time to pause, breathe in and listen. There is a daily practice called a "Daily Examen". At the end of the day, the invitation is to look back over your day and ask yourself a few questions. "When did I feel closest to God today?" "When did I feel the farthest from God today?" "When was I the most myself today?" "When was I the least myself today?" "What was my happiest moment?" "What was my least happy moment?" The idea is just to take a couple of the questions, sit before God and reflect on your day together. It allows you to learn a little bit about yourself, about you and God, and about how God might be moving and speaking in your life.

It really is a beautiful thing to take time to look over your day. In the rush of everyday life, it often feels like a day is not truly lived or does not have much meaning if it has not been given some thought to its purpose.

This is a practice I am trying to incorporate at least a couple of times per week. It is awakening me to God and His greater purposes for me.

Surrender

Each day I come to you, oh Lord. I have my list of what I ask from you. I know that You hear me. I have drawn this beautiful picture, don't you see? It is lovely, filled with happiness and joy. There is beauty found in my artwork, a true masterpiece. The page is full. Every need that could arise has an answer if only You will comply. Every fear has been replaced with solutions. All I need is for you to sign off on what I ask for Lord. You are the God who supplies my needs, right? You give me love, right?

What's that? You have a different picture in mind? Well, my page is full. I'm not sure that I have room for your plans. I think mine is just fine, don't you? Maybe you could bend your plans a bit so that I have no pain, no discomfort, no sadness, no longing? Here, Lord, please answer this. It is all spelled out. All you have to do is sign on the dotted line.

What's that you say? There is no room for Your plan when my page is all filled up? You want me to what? You want me to erase what I've drawn? But Lord, I've been planning my life for far too long. For as long as I can remember I've been filling up this page with how I want my life to look. I'm not sure that I know how…to…let…go….

I'm sorry. I just can't do it.

Ok, so I went away and now I'm back. I'm not getting anywhere. I can't hear you and I feel a little lost. I'm going to reach for the eraser now. Can you help me remove what I've so carefully planned and drawn? I'm not sure I can do that on my own. Thank you, Lord. It is getting easier, knowing that You are holding my hand and directing it. Yes, at long last, the page is blank. Completely blank. A feeling of panic is beginning to rise up, God. I can't see what's around the corner. I have nothing to hold onto. I cannot plan. I cannot control. It is a new and scary feeling. Hold onto you, You say? You are really the only thing not moving? You're not going anywhere? Really? Nowhere? Cause I kind of really, truly need that stability in my life. I don't find it anywhere else. I don't find it anywhere else.

OK, I'm giving you the pencil now. Oh, you want the pen, the beautiful scrolling one. You make beauty. You don't make mistakes. You don't need an eraser. You begin drawing Your Masterpiece. I'm learning to come to you with my blank page. I come to you and cry out for you to teach me how to pray. Yes, Lord, teach me how to pray. Show me what to ask for. Show me where to walk. This is new territory, a new style, becoming a habit. I'm bringing every thing to you, every possession, every person, every blessing, each provision. I'm holding them loosely, knowing now at long last, that they are a gift from You, promised only for this moment and none beyond. You, yes You, are the only One who does not move. You are with me forever.

Dates with Jesus

This Christmas season was one that has been busier than those in the past due to my kids' activities.

At about the same time that I felt like I was barely making it through, I also began feeling a gentle nudge. "Spend time with me. Set apart some time as holy, seeking My face." How could I deny that invitation? It was (is!) the Christmas season after all. At a friend's encouragement, I chose a set time as my "date with Jesus".

I'm someone who hesitates to fill up my calendar or plan things too far ahead. I like to see how I'm feeling each day and tackle what is calling to me the most loudly. It is the squeaky wheel syndrome. This time, however, I realized the eternal value in this appointment. I said "Yes", picked a weekly time and even put it on my calendar. I had it repeat the event each week with no ending date. Oh boy, it's official!

So after figuring out the time, committing to it and putting it on my calendar, I had to pick the place. This really was the easy part. Our church has some beautiful counseling rooms and a prayer room that are ideal for being quiet, and being alone. Ok, so I'm with Jesus, so technically I'm not alone, but you know what I mean.

The first time I had my date with Jesus, I wasn't sure what to expect. What would I do? Would the hour drag? What if I have nothing to say? What if I don't hear Him speaking to me? Once I closed the door and prayed about this time, this blank canvas before me, I felt almost giddy. There was such freedom in having no agenda or to-do list. I got down on my knees before the cross hanging on the wall. I felt like it was just time for me to be me, no pretense, no expectations.

I began by laying my heart before God, confessing anything that came to mind that wasn't pleasing to God, and praying to be freed of those things I don't even see but that are keeping me at a distance from Him. It felt right. It felt freeing. Instead of feeling judged, I felt His gentle love all around me, encouraging me to let go and trust Him.I've only had two of these dates so far, but I'm looking forward to many more. I've realized that if I can't make time for my Savior, the one I plan on praising through all eternity, then something is off balance in my life.

I want to want to spend time with Him. I want to open my ears and give Him a chance to speak to me. Even when I don't really want all this, I pray and ask Him to give me this desire. Getting outside of my house has been key for me. I need to go to a place where there aren't piles of laundry calling to me or meals waiting to be cooked.

He truly loves me...yes, He does. Wholly, completely, just as I am.

Fear and Peace

There is talk everywhere right now about the Ebola virus. The more we hear, the scarier it gets. I could spend many hours reading articles and watching news stories. While it is good to be informed at a basic level, there is danger in spending too much time with this information. Fear can grow like a big, dark, ominous cloud, threatening to choke us if we let it. While there is much in this world that we cannot control, and that fact has not changed in the history of mankind, we can control what we allow to enter our minds, and therefore our hearts.

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

It sounds like we have some control over what we allow to shape and influence us.

Paul, in Philippians 4:8 commands us to choose what we think on. He says, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things…And the God of peace will be with you."

OK, so a simple prescription for peace is found in that verse. Who doesn't want more peace in their life? This passage really challenges me to stop and take stock of whether what I am spending my time on fits the criteria listed. What am I thinking about? Is it excellent or praiseworthy? If not, I would be wise to turn my attention elsewhere.

In 1 Thessalonians 5:16, it says, "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

God, our Father, loves us. He does not desire for us to walk through life stressed and panicked about circumstances we hear about. He knows what is required for us to have peace. The verse from 1 Thessalonians is really a prescription for us from a God who knows where true peace will come from. His will for us is to be close to Him. His will for us is to keep our eyes on Him. He loves us that much that He longs for us to rest in Him.

From a worldly perspective, none of this makes sense. It is so easy to think worse-case scenario. We are created with an imagination that can be a source of great pleasure when used positively. Unfortunately, we can also allow that imagination to take us down the road of "what-ifs". Fear thrives here and the enemy is thrilled that we are taking our eyes off of God. Fortunately, we have a choice. We can cry out to God and ask Him to help us. He loves to answer that prayer. He is waiting for us to cry out to Him. He will give us Himself, His presence, His peace. It is possible in the midst of the chaos and the unknown. His peace is beyond all comprehension, but trust me…it is very real and very available to you and to me.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Independence Day

Freedom, what a fabulous word. Even in the midst of struggle, we can find freedom. Even in the midst of uncertainty, we can be free.

For me, oftentimes that thing that has held me captive has been fear. What if something happens to my husband, my parents, my children, to me? I like to think on some level that by imagining how things will play out and trying to come up with emergency plans, it gives me some sense of control over the situation. This is so untrue. Ultimately, I have no control over these things. Freedom for me comes when I remember to keep my eyes on Jesus and worship. I love a worship song I grew up with. It's called "Turn your eyes upon Jesus."

The words are simply,

Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

One of the key words there is "full". It is easy to just say words and not really let them sink in. How many times have I sung lyrics without really paying attention to what they are saying? When I fully turn my mind and heart on singing praise to the Creator, the One who saved me and continues to save me from myself, then and only then do I find that freedom where I feel His peace. The more time I spend there, the deeper the sense of peace. The things of this world do turn strangely dim. The struggles and concerns I have let dominate my thoughts and actions fade.

This is my prayer every day: Lord, give me Your eyes, Your heart, Your perspective. Show me what You want me to see. Show me what You want me to do. Give me eyes to see You more clearly, and a heart that longs to be where You are, above all else.

Oh yeah, gotta love when God gives additions the day after writing!

Here is a song by Jesus Culture, called Freedom Reigns. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIaM08ANeAg

And here is a verse that talks about fear:

Psalm 56:3-4

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you
In God, whose word I praise
in God I trust and am not afraid
What can mere mortals do to me?



(Photo credit:Josiah Truitt)