Why am I here?

Today I am hanging here with my dog, Dory. Pandora is on in the background and some amazing worship songs I haven't heard in a while are taking me to a sweet place of worship. I mean, who doesn't have to stop what they are doing and spin and dance around their living room, singing out at the top of their lungs?!?!? Ok, I know not everyone does that. But that is definitely how I'm wired. I'm in the process of owning that piece of me instead of trying to run away from it or even just downplaying it. God created me to be a worshipper. I believe it is for a reason. When His people worship and pray, things in the spiritual realm change. I feel it. I can't put it on paper or see tangible victories. I cannot put it on a timesheet and get paid for it, but it is one of the most important things I do in a day. I am born to worship. That alone is enough. Yes, I said it. That alone is enough. When someone asks me what I do, I want to proclaim that I am first and foremost a worshipper.

What were you born to do? Are you living it out? Is it different than what you see most people doing? How do you deal with that? Do you run from it or run toward it? Is it something that is not deemed profitable or worthy of our time to many people? Do you advertise it or attempt to hide it? We are ALL created uniquely, one of a kind. So truly none of us is exactly like someone around us. We all have passions and desires that go against the tide of the mainstream. Are you allowing God to raise this up in you and let it flourish?

One of the beauties of how God created us is that when we take steps toward living out who He made us to be, we have the greatest contentment. Yes, I believe that our Father who loves us MORE THAN ANYONE ON THIS EARTH EVER CAN, gives us a deep sense of contentment when we are most who He created us to be. When we look internally and ask Him what we should be doing and how we should be living, we are happier than at any other time in life. It is not selfish to ask the question, "Why am I here?" "How did you make me unique?" "What passions did you place inside of me?" Our God loves to answer these questions. He puts little whispers in our ear, or a pull inside of our heart and our mind. When we are most fully alive, we find the greatest contentment. When we are most fully alive, God is glorified through us. We get to shine the light of Christ here in this world. How great and lasting of a call is that? Nothing I do on my own can ever compare.

Senior Year Stuff

We are almost 5 weeks down in the school year. That means my senior is over 1/10th of the way finished with his final year of high school. How is that even possible? This phase of life is…well…interesting. I feel as if I’ve taken on a part-time job and so has he. We’ve done 4 college visits up until this point. He has taken the SAT’s and is scheduled to take them a second time this fall. His high school has this wonderful future and career exploration process. It is called Project Dreams. Each year from freshman year through junior year, the students are required to do a job shadow in an area they are potentially interested in pursuing as a career. They spend at least 4 hours/day with someone in the field, observing what they do on an ordinary day. After each shadow, they evaluate their experience.

My son spent his first shadow in the kitchen at a local resort. He had the opportunity to chop foods and prepare some hors d'oeuvres under the supervision of a chef. He saw the pace of the kitchen and saw a more creative side to preparing ahead of time for an event, with less time pressure than some kitchens would have.

His second shadow was with the youth pastor at our church. That day, our youth pastor had to do some phone calls and planning for upcoming events. They also went out to lunch and discussed the requirements of the job, and the skill set that is most helpful for the position.

My son’s third and final shadow was with a 3rd grade teacher. By this time, he had narrowed down his career choices and felt pretty strongly that he wanted to teach elementary school. This experience was an enjoyable one for him. During the summer following this last job shadow (this past summer), John had the opportunity to work as a camp counselor at a local area township’s summer day camp program. He had the opportunity to counsel kindergarten students and then later 2nd grade students during his summer. Now that he is back in school, he is doing an internship each day at the elementary school, again with a 3rd grade class. He is getting the opportunity to do everything from cut and laminate, to read to students, to help with teaching lessons.

In addition to his internship, John goes to the high school for part of his day and then heads to the Vocational Technical School for their Culinary Program. This is his 3rd year in the program.

This Friday John will have the opportunity to share his experiences with a few teachers for a grade.

This, truly, is the best and most helpful assignment he has had in his school career. I'm definitely a fan!

Dwell

Today I'm taking stock of my life. I'm 45 years old. My husband is a Children's Pastor at an area church. We've been married for 23 years! We have two sons, ages 18 and 15. I blinked once, maybe twice. I'm really not sure how all of this happened. And I'm very unsure about what comes next. I'm so happy and relieved, actually, to have a God who sees around the bend when I cannot. He most certainly leads the way. I guess it's not so bad to not be a planner. It makes it slightly easier to surrender and to seek out God's plan and allow Him to take the lead. Truly, more than anything, I just want to dwell with Him. I long to be in His presence. It is my drug, my high, my thrill. After being in the Presence of the Almighty God, nothing else satisfies me. I love the peace He gives. I love how He takes all of my worries, uncertainties and fears and changes the filter on my lens. Suddenly, my cares change and I feel at rest with Him, no longer needing to look around. I stop trying to meet my needs myself. I cease striving. It is only when I worship Him and look fully at Him that this happens. It takes time. It requires quiet and a lack of interruption. Time here is better spent than time anywhere else. Time here matters and is actually time spent. I wonder how many minutes or hours of my life actually count in the grand scheme of things. Much of it has been wasted as I look elsewhere. "Store up treasures in heaven, where moth and rust cannot destroy, and where thieves cannot break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be." Lord, turn my heart toward heaven today.

The school year has begun!

Welcome to Fall! OK, so it is not technically fall yet. However, our school year began on August 22 this year, so in that regard, our summer has come to an end. This year I have a high school freshman and a high school SENIOR! Wow! I'm not sure how that is even possible, but I'm holding on, because ready or not, here we go.

Here are a couple of things I have been learning and realizing lately:

1. There are quite a few hats I've been trying to wear lately. In the span of this current week, I have or will be wearing the hats of pet sitter, diet counselor, buyer, face painter and balloon twister. That does not include my volunteer roles. The more I am adding to my life and schedule, the more worn I am feeling. Everything feels as if I am giving it some energy, but not my best.

2. My oldest son is in the home stretch of high school! If he has about 12 weeks off during the summer, that means his school year is about 40 weeks long. We are almost finished with week 3. One of my goals is to chronicle his last year in my writing. I want him to be able to look back and see what life was like for him when he was a senior in high school. I want to write some of the stories that he may forget at some point. Also, I want to squeeze every bit of intentionality and purpose that we can out of this year.

3. Since having children, I have been putting myself aside and trying to survive. Someone needs fed so I feed them. Someone needs to go to an appointment or has an activity and needs to get there so I take them. There are needs in ministry at church so I step in. They may or may not be where I am most gifted (or at all gifted :) These are kind of basic and necessary tasks in life that I have been stepping into. I am so deeply and amazingly thankful for the years I have had raising my kids thus far. I'm also grateful for the opportunity to partner with Dave, my husband, in ministering to kids at church. In doing, doing, doing, somewhere along the way I began losing the awareness of what I like to do, was created to do, feel God is calling me to do and therefore want to do. I forget to act on having a choice in life. I forget to quiet myself and get before God and ask what He wants me to do. So I am currently attempting to find my voice again. One of the ways God allows me to process life is through writing. I've been downplaying the importance of writing in my life. I'm becoming more and more aware, however, that life has deeper meaning for me when I write about it. I view the purpose in it, I hear the lessons God may be wanting me to hear, I squeeze the treasure out of each day when I process it this way. I'm planning to add another hat to the list above...that of a writer. This hat I am choosing. I'm excited to see where it will lead. I hope to bring glory to God and to bring some smiles to my kids' faces, either now or in the future.

Let's Do This!

Awareness

Lately I keep hearing about awareness. It is so easy for me to run through my life just keeping up with obligations. I'm relieved at the end of the day that I got the kids everywhere they needed to be, everyone was fed and the basics for survival happened. What if I stop, however, and take a look around? What is going on around me? What is God doing around me? How much am I missing due to my hurried pace of life?

I feel as if there is something beautiful going on, if only I will take the time to pause, breathe in and listen. There is a daily practice called a "Daily Examen". At the end of the day, the invitation is to look back over your day and ask yourself a few questions. "When did I feel closest to God today?" "When did I feel the farthest from God today?" "When was I the most myself today?" "When was I the least myself today?" "What was my happiest moment?" "What was my least happy moment?" The idea is just to take a couple of the questions, sit before God and reflect on your day together. It allows you to learn a little bit about yourself, about you and God, and about how God might be moving and speaking in your life.

It really is a beautiful thing to take time to look over your day. In the rush of everyday life, it often feels like a day is not truly lived or does not have much meaning if it has not been given some thought to its purpose.

This is a practice I am trying to incorporate at least a couple of times per week. It is awakening me to God and His greater purposes for me.

Surrender

Each day I come to you, oh Lord. I have my list of what I ask from you. I know that You hear me. I have drawn this beautiful picture, don't you see? It is lovely, filled with happiness and joy. There is beauty found in my artwork, a true masterpiece. The page is full. Every need that could arise has an answer if only You will comply. Every fear has been replaced with solutions. All I need is for you to sign off on what I ask for Lord. You are the God who supplies my needs, right? You give me love, right?

What's that? You have a different picture in mind? Well, my page is full. I'm not sure that I have room for your plans. I think mine is just fine, don't you? Maybe you could bend your plans a bit so that I have no pain, no discomfort, no sadness, no longing? Here, Lord, please answer this. It is all spelled out. All you have to do is sign on the dotted line.

What's that you say? There is no room for Your plan when my page is all filled up? You want me to what? You want me to erase what I've drawn? But Lord, I've been planning my life for far too long. For as long as I can remember I've been filling up this page with how I want my life to look. I'm not sure that I know how…to…let…go….

I'm sorry. I just can't do it.

Ok, so I went away and now I'm back. I'm not getting anywhere. I can't hear you and I feel a little lost. I'm going to reach for the eraser now. Can you help me remove what I've so carefully planned and drawn? I'm not sure I can do that on my own. Thank you, Lord. It is getting easier, knowing that You are holding my hand and directing it. Yes, at long last, the page is blank. Completely blank. A feeling of panic is beginning to rise up, God. I can't see what's around the corner. I have nothing to hold onto. I cannot plan. I cannot control. It is a new and scary feeling. Hold onto you, You say? You are really the only thing not moving? You're not going anywhere? Really? Nowhere? Cause I kind of really, truly need that stability in my life. I don't find it anywhere else. I don't find it anywhere else.

OK, I'm giving you the pencil now. Oh, you want the pen, the beautiful scrolling one. You make beauty. You don't make mistakes. You don't need an eraser. You begin drawing Your Masterpiece. I'm learning to come to you with my blank page. I come to you and cry out for you to teach me how to pray. Yes, Lord, teach me how to pray. Show me what to ask for. Show me where to walk. This is new territory, a new style, becoming a habit. I'm bringing every thing to you, every possession, every person, every blessing, each provision. I'm holding them loosely, knowing now at long last, that they are a gift from You, promised only for this moment and none beyond. You, yes You, are the only One who does not move. You are with me forever.

Dates with Jesus

This Christmas season was one that has been busier than those in the past due to my kids' activities.

At about the same time that I felt like I was barely making it through, I also began feeling a gentle nudge. "Spend time with me. Set apart some time as holy, seeking My face." How could I deny that invitation? It was (is!) the Christmas season after all. At a friend's encouragement, I chose a set time as my "date with Jesus".

I'm someone who hesitates to fill up my calendar or plan things too far ahead. I like to see how I'm feeling each day and tackle what is calling to me the most loudly. It is the squeaky wheel syndrome. This time, however, I realized the eternal value in this appointment. I said "Yes", picked a weekly time and even put it on my calendar. I had it repeat the event each week with no ending date. Oh boy, it's official!

So after figuring out the time, committing to it and putting it on my calendar, I had to pick the place. This really was the easy part. Our church has some beautiful counseling rooms and a prayer room that are ideal for being quiet, and being alone. Ok, so I'm with Jesus, so technically I'm not alone, but you know what I mean.

The first time I had my date with Jesus, I wasn't sure what to expect. What would I do? Would the hour drag? What if I have nothing to say? What if I don't hear Him speaking to me? Once I closed the door and prayed about this time, this blank canvas before me, I felt almost giddy. There was such freedom in having no agenda or to-do list. I got down on my knees before the cross hanging on the wall. I felt like it was just time for me to be me, no pretense, no expectations.

I began by laying my heart before God, confessing anything that came to mind that wasn't pleasing to God, and praying to be freed of those things I don't even see but that are keeping me at a distance from Him. It felt right. It felt freeing. Instead of feeling judged, I felt His gentle love all around me, encouraging me to let go and trust Him.I've only had two of these dates so far, but I'm looking forward to many more. I've realized that if I can't make time for my Savior, the one I plan on praising through all eternity, then something is off balance in my life.

I want to want to spend time with Him. I want to open my ears and give Him a chance to speak to me. Even when I don't really want all this, I pray and ask Him to give me this desire. Getting outside of my house has been key for me. I need to go to a place where there aren't piles of laundry calling to me or meals waiting to be cooked.

He truly loves me...yes, He does. Wholly, completely, just as I am.